Ways to Ward Off Your Stage 5 Clinger

Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and all of those poor girls who were left without dates on the lover’s holiday are now flocking to the clubs in an attempt to acquire a boyfriend before the holiday arrives again. Unfortunately, unaware that she’s looking for more than just a quick hookup, you brought one of these tragic girls home. She just invited you to dinner at her house, and asked what your V-Day plans are for next year. Congratulations, you’ve found yourself a stage five clinger.

The normal brush-off won’t work – she’s set her sights on you, and if she has her way, you’ll be buying her chocolate and roses this time next year. Here are a few helpful hints to scare her away.

Put on Some “Mood” Music

Yes, you wanted to have sex with this girl, but unless you plan on buying an engagement ring by Christmas, you’ve got to suppress your urges. Turn on your laptop and put on Angelina from “Jersey Shore’s” rap song, “I’m Hot.”

Explain to your clinger it’s your favorite song, and that Angelina is your dream woman. Start making out with her, and mumble, “Oh, Angelina,” under your breath. If she can tolerate listening to that song in its entirety and being compared to the Staten Island Dump, you may be screwed.

Reschedule a Date

If she survived, “I’m Hot,” which is filled with ingenious lyrics such as “I’m hot, so hot, I’m like an ice cream cone,” and, “I even hopped a cop and popped his crop” – you need to immediately stop making out with this girl. Rush to your cell phone, saying you have to make a quick call. Pretend to dial someone’s number, pause to make it sound like you’re leaving a message, and then speak these words verbatim: “Hey babe, I totally forgot about our date, I fell asleep doing homework. I’ll be over in twenty minutes. And ask your roommate if she has condoms, I’m all out.” Then pretend to hang up, sit back next to your date and say, “Okay, let’s make this quick.”

Name Her Body Parts

If neither of the above tips worked, you need to bust out the big guns. Continue with your foreplay, and once her bra is off, ask her if you can name her breasts. Most girls would be repulsed by such a question, but stage five clingers have a few screws loose, and will find your question to be amusing. So think of the most offensive names imaginable. Excellent examples include, but are not limited to, “Lumpy, Teeny, Lopsy, Butch, Sasquatch, and… Angelina.”

Fall Asleep

You just named her left boob “Teeny” and her right boob “Sasquatch” and your clinger still wants to be with you. Quickly maneuver your body under hers, let her do all the work, and in the midst of what she believes is a passionate moment with her soon-to-be boyfriend, pretend to fall asleep. Just go dead fish on her. Unless she has some hidden necrophiliac tendencies, she should get the hint.

Follow these guidelines and you will rid yourself of your dreaded stage five clinger. However, if by some horrific act of fate you found yourself a stage six… prepare to get texts containing less-than signs followed by the number three (for those who are technologically retarded, that makes a heart) at all hours of the day.